My Constant Companion

I was talking with my family yesterday about my depression and my sister-in-law noted that she had never heard me speak so frankly and directly about it, which gave me pause. Yes. I struggle with depression. Perhaps it is something I have kept hidden or quiet over the years, fearful of the judgment and assumptions of others.  I don't know that I've had language to talk about it until recently. And I still don't fully understand it.

Over the past two years, I have come to know depression as my constant companion. I didn't invite it along for the journey. I don't want it. But there it is. Always present, and always eager to take the starring role if I will kindly move back into the shadows.

We wrestle. If I try to ignore it, it makes itself known with a loud roar. I must be vigilant and attentive. I must acknowledge it. Some days it is more powerful than me. Those are very dark, scary days.

I have a toolbox, though, that helps me deal with it. I try different tools to contain it and keep it at bay. Otherwise, it will be satisfied. It will gorge itself on my motivation, my desire to be with others, my ability to engage in life. My therapist has helped me immensely in identifying these tools.

Always present but not always visible, I can have seasons where I forget about it. I just came out of one of those seasons. There is a section in my toolbox devoted to detection. For a long time, I had no idea it was depression disrupting my life. I thought it was laziness, introversion, and lack of motivation. But now I see it more clearly. 

I woke up a few weeks ago with a messy house and no desire to clean it. Dishes stacked in the sink. The thought of putting them in the dishwasher was so overwhelming, it nearly moved me to tears. 

"Oh. Hello. You're back.  I see you now."

I recently started keeping a journal to track the tools I employ. Things that help me fight depression are journaling, reading, running, sleeping, praying, meditating, time with friends and family, laughter  etc. These are all good things but they do take time and energy. In the midst of a summer full of trips and concerts and fun, I forgot to incorporate many of these. Thus the journal. I want to be aware and intentional about these things.

Right now I'm at one of my favorite places, drinking coffee outside at Starbucks. I am present - enjoying the warmth, sound of the water in the fountain, and the breeze. I am petting all the dogs here. And there are lots! And I feel better.

Do I like my depression? No. Would life be easier without it? Absolutely. But it is here to stay. My constant companion. And this morning I am reflecting on its gift to me. It "forces" me to take care of myself. I must be diligent about employing all those tools. I'm choosing to receive that as a gift.

This journey will be long and challenging. But I feel a sense of peace about it today. For that I am grateful.





PS - I know depression looks different for everyone. It can be paralyzing and life threatening. Mine is called dysthymia, which is more mild than major depression. This blog post is by no means trying to speak about all forms of depression, and I truly believe it impacts everyone in a very unique way. This is just my experience of it in this season of life, which will surely change over time.

If you are depressed and are not currently seeking professional help, please do so soon. This is not something to "wait and see" about. In my experience, it grows stronger the longer it remains in the dark.